Billed online as "just like Graceland without paying $80" (yep that's right, Graceland is as much as Disneyland) and also "like a fever dream" we arrived in tiny Holly Springs and knocked on the door of Elvis' biggest and creepiest fan. We knocked for 10 minutes. We had been told to keep knocking, eventually someone would answer. Turns out our museum guide was taking a nap (he often stays awake for days at a time since his "museum" is open 24/7). Paul finally answered the door and we immediately regretted our decision. His collection of Elvis memorabilia was a hoarder's paradise but made me desperately want to start organizing. As he led us through the house he spoke not only of celebrities and "loads of money," but also of his large gun collection, which was especially scary considering he is clearly unmedicated. His claimed "sponsorship" from Budweiser, evidenced in his can littered back yard wasn't helping matters. He might need another kind of sponsor.
As the tour went on we began to feel a little more safe having built a rapport with our eccentric tour guide who started referring to Isaiah as "you" and to me as "foxy" and began feeling comfortable enough to start making lewd comments (thankfully he made me "earmuff" for most of these disturbing digressions). It is hard to describe what we saw. For one it was bizarre. For two Paul seemed to have various strategies to keep anyone from looking too closely at his treasures. There was the strategy of shining lights in our faces. Also the one where whenever you turned around to look at things he would whistle, snap his fingers like he's beckoning a waiter three blocks away, and punch you in the shoulder, indicating he wanted you to look at him while he is talking. He is, of course, always talking. I belive the shoulder attack was some sort of karate move, he being an Elvis afficionado after all. This leads us to distraction strategy #3-Paul talks in 4th gear without letup for over an hour and rarely makes sense. Conversational topics, in order of frequency-money, (garbage bags full of it, discovered in the trunks of various cadillacs which decorate his front yard like shrubs) cadillacs, women, family, women in his family, his ex-wife, celebrities with only the loosest of links to Elvis, Elvis, guns, the government, other quasi celebrities.
From the start Paul shared his interest in dating my mom and went on to talk about his plans to marry her, how they would have a hundred children together and how Isaiah would pay child support. This was not the only proposal during the visit. He also suggested we team up in a vague but extremely lucrative business partnership. There was a brief musical interlude where he serenaded us.
The final room on the tour was a mural of photos of previous visitors. To our amazement the visual visitor's log covered several entire walls. The tour is popular with drunk students who pop in at 4 am. Defintely something you "try a few times in college." And if you go three times you get a free lifetime membership as punishment. Before we left, Paul wrung our hands, thanked us for being nice and told me to go sit in the van while he proceeded to tell Isaiah the most foul things (un)imaginable. A pirate Larry Flint having been at sea for 20 years might come close.
Days later we were horrified to find that "a mentally ill Elvis impersonator from Missippi" had sent poisoned letters to the President. After fearing we had been infected with the Ricin Paul had been whipping up prior to our visit, we learned it was actually a different mentally ill Missippian, who we further learned wasn't himself responsible, but who had been framed by a karate instructor over a disagreement about a political bumper sticker. This place is nuts.
For visitors who don't get along with Paul
Actual part of the "Museum" tour
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